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Ah I’m just playing – although it would be interesting to see how many hits this post gets with a ropey headline.

This could be the way forward. Smut.

Anyway, decidedly not smut is my new “single”, Swordfish Coast. I still have to flog it, though.

It’s a 6,000-odd word story set somewhere lovely and warm. It features a British ex-patriate whose cosy, casheous lifestyle in a vast, converted house is disrupted by a nosey copper. He’s looking for the ex-pat’s brother – a gangster wanted for murder, last seen heading in a suspiciously Spanish direction…

If you like it, you’ll definitely like my crime stories collection, Scream Blue Murder. You can expect this to appear next week, or maybe the week after. You know, like you used to get albums appearing a week or so after singles were released.

“What’s singles and albums, dad?”

You shut yer face.

Of course, if you prefer horror stories, there’s a collection to suit your dark, destructive mood. It’s called Shadow Plays, and it’s available now.

I’ve been sitting on loads of these stories, farming them out to magazines and competitions over the years, with very occasional success. Now it’s time to release them into the wild. Will they stumble into the clutches of a predator, never to be seen again? Or will they strive, grow, thrive and become monsters themselves?

Why am I asking you? Do you even exist? Probably not. Twitter, Amazon, Facebook… You could reach everyone and no-one. It’s all a sweet sweet fantasy.